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Friday, December 29th, 2006
8:07 am - indescribable saddness


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"I know who can love my many selves
The wife, the bitch, the rapunzel
The one who cries
And calls for you
The one who is
always
alone"


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Saturday, November 18th, 2006
7:19 pm - bittersweet

I saw you last night. Perhaps I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself. I couldn't resist another chance at being with you. You looked different since I saw you last but I didn't tell you that. Your prescene looked heavy and your eyes full of sorrow. We share the same sorrow, the same saddness, the same secrets.

You keep smiling, you said to me and it was true. I couldn't stop smiling at you. At hearing your voice, at seeing your face, at smelling you again, the intoxicating soft lingering cologne combining with the smell of your cigarettes. I never told you I bought a pack of your cigarettes after you left, just to remember your smell. I missed that smokey scent on your fingertips as you stroked my hair, my face, my neck.

We layed on the couch, me in your arms. Your hands slide under my shirt, down my stomach, feeling the outline of my panties. And your touch turned me on. You say you've been thinking about my mouth and I know you want the familiarity of my kisses on your chest, thighs and cock. I know you want me to taste you the way I used to and god I want to too.

I wanted to tell you that I want you, that I never stopped wanting you. Instead, I call out your name and I hear you sigh. I ached for you to touch my body then, to take me and declare my love, my sex, yours again. But there was only silence between us. I finally admitted to you-I can not describe the want I have for you. I don't know what to say, you responded. I wanted to tell you more, I wanted to tell you everything but I didn't. I let you hug me goodbye. I looked up into your eyes and I wanted you to kiss me, instead, I let you leave.


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Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
6:31 am

his eyes



my lover is gone
the butterflies gone
the crashing waves
the soft kisses
the stolen glances
all gone

all that remains are
the tides of the moon
and his infinite eyes

when i met him
the world stopped
his eyes
his eyes
his eyes
they used speak to me
everyone assumed i seduced him
but it was actually
the opposite

he seduced me
with his looks
his laugh
his touch
his words
and the endless ocean
that is
his eyes

he made me feel
like i was
the only woman
in the entire world

we would laugh
and kiss
and touch
under the stars
in the sweet waves
and he would hold me
like it was
the end of the world

gone
my lover is gone
i try to go back
a wish
a love spell
a dream
a handfull of drugs
another time
another place
but no
it can not be

nothing can ever be the same

maybe one day
he will ache
like i ache
maybe one day
he will hurt
like i hurt

my lover is gone
the only thing
that remains are
his eyes
his eyes
his eyes

the ocean
and the moon





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Saturday, November 4th, 2006
6:10 am


"So I say 'and on I go'
To another one
who disappoint me so"

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Thursday, October 5th, 2006
7:34 pm - Sweet Secrets and Musings of a Whore


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I find it amusing and ironic that despire the fact that I absolutely LOATH cheating,


One again, I have become


the other woman


the mistress
the temptress
the adulterer
the whore
the homewrecker

I am not
the mother,
the wife,

-No-

I am the

secret lover.


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Were these earlier times, I would be branded a witch, a whore, and set with flames and sent straight to hell. In these times, I can openly discuss my taboos and dirty sins. And though I may feel somewhat in the wrong, I do not feel ashmased.

In my flawed sense of morals, I go back and forth about how I feel about the position I have given myself. Sometimes I feel guilty, often times, I do not.

What responsibility do I have to refuse another woman's husband? Because I would want the same respect? I have no husband. Any man who is unfaithful is not so because I am a willing lover. A cheater will cheat regardless. If not me, then he would make his bed between another woman's legs (and he probably has on more than one occasion).

I do not attempt to jusitfy any guilty feelings I might have, I whole heartedly believe this.

I admit, I like being the other woman. It is far more fulfilling than being the woman. I have been the woman. The woman who is being cheated on. The woman who can not get her lover to stay. The lonely lonely lonely woman. In my dreams I want to be the woman, the wife, the mother. In reality I can not stand it.

Not to exclude the loneliness that comes from being the other, I will confess being the other woman is not perfect. Nothing is perfection. Being the other woman is a different type of lonelniess, not nearly as harsh as the loneliness the woman experiences.

Ideally, there would be more options than the other woman and the woman. The perfect alternative. The ONLY woman, the other woman, the wife, the mother, the secret lover all in one. Though I believe this is a myth, in the unexpected occasion that this should happen to me in my life I assume it would fulfill me romantically and sexually. Surely, there would be a lavish happy ending for all.

Until then, I will be satisfied being with another's man and surpass the guilt. I will enjoy this state which can not be just sex but will never flourish into love. I will delight in this temporary secret love affair until the next one comes to pass.



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Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
11:07 am


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I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,


Gonna give my heart away,


Leave it to the other girls to play,
For I've been a temptress too long.


Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be
a woman


For this is the begining
of forever and ever and ever

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Friday, August 25th, 2006
3:07 am
And Just when i thought it couldn't get any better                     he spooned me"

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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
2:32 pm


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the guilty undertaker sighs,
the lonesome organ grinder cries,
the silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
the cracked bells and washed-out horns
blow into my face with scorn,
but it's not that way,
i wasn't born to lose you.
i want you, i want you,
i want you so bad,
honey, i want you

the drunken politician leaps
upon the street where mothers weep
and the saviors who are fast asleep,
they wait for you.
and i wait for them to interrupt
me drinkin' from my broken cup
and ask me to
open up the gate for you.
i want you, i want you,
i want you so bad,
honey, i want you

now all my fathers, they've gone down
true love they've been without it
but all their daughters put me down
'cause I don't think about it

well, i return to the Queen of Spades
nd talk with my chambermaid.
she knows that i'm not afraid
to look at her.
she is good to me
and there's nothing she doesn't see
she knows where i'd like to be
But it doesn't matter.
i want you, i want you,
i want you so bad,
honey, i want you

now your dancing child with his Chinese suit,
he spoke to me, i took his flute
no, i wasn't very cute to him,
was i?
but i did it, though, because he lied
because he took you for a ride
and because time was on his side
and because i . . .
i want you, i want you,
i want you so bad,
honey, i want you



bob dylan

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Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
12:52 pm - the beauty of bleeding

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The trend to stopping one's period is becoming more and more popular.

How long can we prolong our bleeding?

A cycle or two?
Months?
Years?

Maybe women can all get to point where we'll never even have
a first drop of blood from our cunt,
we'll skip it all.

Forget the big bloody mess,
the annoyance, the inconvience,

I will die without ever shedding my uterus,
without ever really being a woman.

My body will be untainted, like a little girl's.


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Yesterday I visited The United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, in Washington, DC and one of the quotes stuck out to me.
Although I couldn't find the exact quote it basically said something such as:


The young girls were all so upset when they stopped menstruating. The even younger girls were upset that they never experienced their first menstrual cycle. It added onto the sadness but it was actually a blessing because we had no clothes, no bottoms, we were naked and would have bled everywhere.


It just strikes me because these women looked forward to their natural cycles, the bleeding which made them women, but couldn't experience this anymore because of the extreme physical fatigue, the hunger and famine, the lack of food and intense stress. Something so beautiful, so natural, one of the main things that makes us women we try to avoid and wash our hands of. Something we have tried to rid and cure ourselves of, these women so desperately longed for.

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Each month

the blood sheets down

like good red rain.

~ Erica Jong

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Saturday, June 17th, 2006
10:20 pm


the time has come )

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Friday, June 16th, 2006
8:31 pm - Spit or Swallow?
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i've heard many girls say how nasty they think it is to swallow cum. i can vaguely remember when i felt that way.


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when i think about it, the only time i didn't want to swallow is when my throat was sore (which i label as excusable), when i wasn't comfortible with my sexuality or body (inexcusable), when i was young, insecure and inexperienced (excusable), when i didn't like my lover (inexcusable), when i was bored with sex (inexcusable), or when i didn't want to have sex but did anyway (inexcusable). It makes me wonder about other girls.....


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Personally, i no longer think swallowing cum is gross. In fact, i'm kind of a cum swallowing advocate (yeah that's what i want to be known for), but seriously, i think to not swallow is an insult. How could you take a cock into your mouth, lick it all over, bring them to orgasm, something so sensual, so intimate (sometimes more intimate than sex) and NOT follow it through by swallowing?

But!!! maybe i'm wrong. Maybe i don't give girls who spit enough credit. "It doesn't taste good." How'd you like that turned around on you?

Boy says to girl, "Oh baby, i would go down on you, you know i would but i don't like the way it tastes, you understand right?"

Yeah, I understand alright. I understand that you won't be seeing me anymore. Seriously though, it's not just that.


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I think swallowing is such an intimate gesture and loving act that any woman would naturally want to do for the guy she cares about

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Thursday, June 15th, 2006
4:43 pm - Please Me


I love my lover's erect cock, it has to be the most beautiful creation. Everything about that piece of flesh looks so inviting. It makes me want to rub it against my face, neck and breasts, slowly drag my lips, feeling every groove and ridge, taking in the musky male scent.

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It fills me with such an incredible urge to lick, suck and take that cock deep inside of my throat. And I LOVE it when I'm forced to do it. Feeling him jerk off into my mouth, feeling his hands on the back of my head pushing it up and down, grabbing handfulls of my hair.

Felling him in the back of my throat, being able to completely take him in, it's indescribable. After a few good slaps on my lips and cheek with his cock and maybe the palm of his strong hand, I explode.


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There is nothing as irresitable and nothing that can make me cum faster without any touch upon my vagina or vulva. And the finale, my god, being able to taste all the delicious cum, to feel it on my lips and my tongue and down my throat. It makes me wish he was here to fuck my face
right now.


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Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
11:13 pm
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Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows.
Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion,

and then he rises and goes into the world,

into his work,
into battle,
into art.

He is not lonely. He is busy.
The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion.

The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty.
Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she has bathed,
and a charge of electric joy at contact with another.

When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing.

Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE.

But for woman, the climax is not in the birth,
but in the moment the man rests inside of her.



~Anais Nin

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Monday, June 12th, 2006
9:43 am - always alone
"My heart and I
Have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles
And prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep
Let them know that I'm glad to go"



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I used to think going to bed alone was incredibly lonely,
with no warm comforting body next to mine holding it,
alone to sleep and dream.

But I realize now it's a million times worse to wake up alone.

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Sunday, June 11th, 2006
1:00 pm - Parting Gift


Oh you silly, stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme

And from the first to all the last times
All the signs says 'stop'
But we went on whole-hearted it ended bad
But I love what we started

They said 'stop'
But we went on whole-hearted it ended bad
But I love what we started



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Sunday, May 28th, 2006
8:24 pm - the right to choose
The female body is really a beautiful thing. The way it can so easily give life and how we can take it away, bleed that life out through our cunts and back into the ground.

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I have always been Pro-choice thought I think the term Pro-choice is silly compared to the word Pro-LIFE. As though all Pro-choicers do not support life. As those Pro-choicers advocate murder and killings of all kind, that's our choice, that's our right. What makes me right to terminate a pregnancy? What gives us that right? That choice?

It's funny when Pro-lifers say you made the child, you take responsibility for it and although it's not the type of responsibility they imply, an abortion is taking responsiblity. It's making sure that each child, each soul that comes into this world through our body is wanted, loved and will be well taken care of.

I hate certain Pro-Choice people who think having an abortion is a simple easy thing. Especially the men, they can not judge, they can not begin to comprehend what it's like to have a life growing inside of you. And to say it's just tissue like another other inside your body, or like the spirit inside the woman's womb is a blood-sucking tumor that needs to be cut out, something as simple as having your tonsils out. No emotional attachment, no loss, nothing to feel sorry about.

I am be Pro-choice but you call it what it fucking is. It's having life sucked out of the cozy comfort of your warm womb. Your heart breaks a little, there will always be a certain empty spot in your heart for what could have been, for something beautiful that was, grieve and you move on but you never forget and you don't deny what it really is.

The Mother )



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Friday, May 26th, 2006
6:48 am

Nothing can ever be the same again.

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Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
11:22 pm - Ode to Wine



I don't think there's anything I enjoy more than
giving a lover a nice long massage, a lingering sensual tongue bath
and a few glasses of rich red wine.



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Day-colored wine,
night-colored wine,
wine with purple feet
or wine with topaz blood,
wine,
starry child
of earth,
wine, smooth
as a golden sword,
soft
as lascivious velvet,
wine, spiral-seashelled
and full of wonder,
amorous,
marine;
never has one goblet contained you,
one song, one man,
you are choral, gregarious,
at the least, you must be shared.
At times
you feed on mortal
memories;
your wave carries us
from tomb to tomb,
stonecutter of icy sepulchers,
and we weep
transitory tears;
your
glorious
spring dress
is different,
blood rises through the shoots,
wind incites the day,
nothing is left
of your immutable soul.
Wine
stirs the spring, happiness
bursts through the earth like a plant,
walls crumble,
and rocky cliffs,
chasms close,
as song is born.
A jug of wine, and thou beside me
in the wilderness,
sang the ancient poet.
Let the wine pitcher
add to the kiss of love its own.

My darling, suddenly
the line of your hip
becomes the brimming curve
of the wine goblet,
your breast is the grape cluster,
your nipples are the grapes,
the gleam of spirits lights your hair,
and your navel is a chaste seal
stamped on the vessel of your belly,
your love an inexhaustible
cascade of wine,
light that illuminates my senses,
the earthly splendor of life.

But you are more than love,
the fiery kiss,
the heat of fire,
more than the wine of life;
you are
the community of man,
translucency,
chorus of discipline,
abundance of flowers.
I like on the table,
when we're speaking,
the light of a bottle
of intelligent wine.
Drink it,
and remember in every
drop of gold,
in every topaz glass,
in every purple ladle,
that autumn labored
to fill the vessel with wine;
and in the ritual of his office,
let the simple man remember
to think of the soil and of his duty,
to propagate the canticle of the wine.

Pablo Nerua

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Saturday, March 18th, 2006
2:02 am - give into me



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Lover, every night i'm left to wonder


will you come to me?

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Thursday, March 16th, 2006
9:02 pm - like a lady
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I am very traditional and old fashioned in certain ways. I often hear that it very respectable but I feel as though I'm not always taken very seriously. This is very true in the dating world. i'm not the type of girl who has a one night stand or will fuck just anyone.

I'm very picky and particular. By no means am I a prude, I just do not share that side of myself with just anyone. It takes a lot to part this gal's legs. Personally, I love that quality about myself. However, I've become extremely annoyed at dating. It seems like meeting a good quality man is a rarity, if it even exists. Now I'm not perfect myself but I want to meet a man whose my equal.

I am so sick of men only getting to know me because they're trying to fuck me. Here's a thought: I'm a person. I have many things to offer people and this world besides my fuckability. Get over it, you are not going to fuck me. And no, that is NOT a challenge. I think when I tell men they will never fuck me (especially outside of a serious relationship) it makes them desire me even more. Goddamn my morals.


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